Somewhere Between
by Gesshoku
Summary: Somewhere between order and disorder: KOS-MOS and chaos. Section 1 up.
1. Beginning Note

In the beginning, there was the video game, and it was good.  
  
This work is a piece of pure fiction, based on the Xenosaga series.  
  
This will be a long running piece, going through Episode I, and continuing with Episode II when it comes out, and likely on past that.  
  
This is chaos/KOS-MOS, with slight hints of Jr./MOMO (it _is_ in the game...). In character (so I hope), heavily introspective, mostly present tense, and first person (from the pov of whoever's in the chapter title). Shion comes off as a little... obsessive at times, but I am not 'character bashing' (in fact, I love Shion, this is simply how I portray her). If you don't like it, don't read it.  
  
There will be pov's other than chaos and KOS-MOS, but it is mainly those two will be telling the story.  
  
The whole thing is broken up in to sections. Some sections are longer than others, depending on what happens at that point in the game. I'm aiming for one whole section (which is all the chapters in that section, plus the Interlude) a week. Longer sections might take two weeks.  
  
One final note of caution: This contains massive spoilers for Episode I, and will contain spoilers for Episode II when it comes out. If you haven't played the game... well, what are you doing here? Go play it.  
  
DISLCAIMER: One and only, so get it here. I. Own. Nothing. 


	2. 01: chaos fate

0.1: chaos - fate

  
  
  
  
I hate fate.  
  
Everything eventually comes down to fate. It was fated, what happened on Miltia. It was fated for me to become a part of the crew of the Elsa. It was fated for Shion to make KOS-MOS, and it was fated for them to come in contact with the Gnosis, and end up here.  
  
Fate is such an ugly word.  
  
I've hated it for a long time, hated it more than I've ever hated anything. Fate makes us think we have control, then rips that control away in a brutal confrontation that can leave even the most hardened men mere shells of their former selves.  
  
But sometimes... just _sometimes_... we can change fate. We can grab ahold of our own destinies, change what is to come.  
  
Fate still has control though, for only fate can know the ultimate end of what our choices bring about. I'll just have to hope that this ending is better than the others. At least, by this fate, I'll be with...  
  
..._her_...  
  
Tony's looking at me funny now. I must have been staring off in to space too long. I give him my best 'there's nothing wrong here!' smile. He doesn't look convinced.  
  
"Somethin' wrong, man? You look a little... whacked out there. Get ahold of the captain's leftover chili again?"  
  
I laugh, because I can't help it. Tony, and Hammer, and even Captain Matthews all have the ability to make me laugh and smile, for real. A rare thing, now that the time is drawing closer for _it_ to begin.  
  
"No. Just... thinking." He gives me a _look_, and I sigh and elaborate a little. "About fate."  
  
He shrugs, turning his attention back to the helm. "Eh. Fate's a bitch. Least ways, that's how I've come to see it."  
  
I go back to my work, but my mind is still on fate. Tony's words struck something in me, though. _Fate's a bitch._  
  
Yeah.  
  
I hate fate. 


	3. 02: KOSMOS waking up

0.2: KOS-MOS - waking up

  
  
  
  
There is a story of a young princess who sleeps for a hundred years, and only wakes once her true love gives her a kiss, and they get married and live happily ever after.  
  
This is not that story.  
  
I am not a princess, nor was I awakened by a kiss from my 'true love'. I am KOS-MOS. An android, not even deserving of a real name, only defined by _what_ I am instead of _who_ I am.  
  
I have no self.  
  
But if I have no self, does that not mean I cannot awaken? I am awake, or at least, some sembelance of it. In this fake world, an illusion. The Encephalon. This part of me, the part of me that battles beside Shion... It is awake. It is me, but it is not the sum of who I am.  
  
Who...  
  
Love's first kiss. Can androids even love? Can someone love an android? I am not a Realian, nor a cyborg. I am a machine, a weapon. Who could love a weapon?  
  
Who... am...  
  
I was built. No soul inhabits my body. I have no flesh and blood, only synthetic skin and wires. And yet...  
  
Who... am... I...  
  
I am KOS-MOS.  
  
I am _me_.  
  
And I am awake today. 


	4. Interlude 0: Shion mother's love

Interlude 0: Shion - mother's love

  
  
  
  
She is _mine_.  
  
My daughter.  
  
Others have helped along the way, Kevin most of all, and Allen now... sweet, sweet Allen. Such a dear boy. I couldn't have gotten this far with KOS-MOS if it wasn't for him.  
  
But still...  
  
She is _mine_.  
  
She was mine from the day I heard about her. From the planning stages, to the building, and when I had to kill her and start all over again, it nearly broke my heart.  
  
They say a mother's love is the most powerful love in the universe. When I look at KOS-MOS, I don't doubt that statement. I would go to the ends of the universe for her. I would do _anything_ for her.  
  
I command her. She protects me. But in reality, in my heart of hearts, it is the other way around.  
  
She is _mine_.  
  
Just as I am hers.  
  
I am her creator. I am her mother.  
  
I gave her life, gave her a purpose, but...  
  
All I can really give you, KOS-MOS, is a mother's love. 


	5. 10: KOSMOS the fake heart

1.0: KOS-MOS - the fake heart

  
  
  
  
A tiny flicker, almost like a heartbeat. I am at war, internally, while the battle rages on outside.  
  
A tiny flicker, almost like a heartbeat. This is impossible, for I have no real heart. The flesh and blood organ that helps keep the human body alive. The heart that I have is mechanical, just like the rest of me.  
  
Shion is okay, for now, but more Gnosis come. There is another man here. His dress identifies him as military personal. I will not protect him. There is Allen now, and I _will_ protect him. However, Shion takes priority over all of them.  
  
A tiny flicker, almost like a heartbeat. And it echoes with the Zohar that is nearby, the one we are drawing closer to with every step.  
  
Now Shion is in danger, again. I aim, and...  
  
The bullets rip through his flesh, as if he were made of paper. So easy, to kill. Just as easy to kill a human as it is a Gnosis.  
  
Now she is looking at me, with those wide, sad eyes. Allen has a strange set to his face, and I register it as shock and disgust. Is it disgust with me? Has he finally figured out that he helped create a true weapon? It seems as if Shion hasn't figured this out, from what she is saying. I do not turn to her, keeping my eyes on the Zohar. Yet, she is still speaking. Perhaps she needs something to remind her...  
  
"Shion. You forget, I am not human. I am merely a weapon."  
  
A tiny flicker, almost like a heartbeat. It's not a heartbeat, though. So... then why does this fake heart ache when she looks at me like that?  
  
I walk up to the Zohar, ignoring her reaction as best I can. The man that was near it backs away from me hurridly. It seems as if everyone is afraid of me. Strange, since they are the ones who created me.  
  
I turn from the large structure to see that all eyes are on me. Their eyes still hold that disgust, that shock. A flash of hurt, a tiny flicker, then it is gone. As if it never existed.  
  
Then the battle starts, and it doesn't matter. For now, she'll fight beside me. For now, the attention will be taken off of me. And, in time, they will forget what I am. And I will have to remind them again.  
  
A tiny flicker, almost like a heartbeat.  
  
The fake heart, to go with my fake sense of self. 


	6. 11: Shion death and morals

1.1: Shion - death and morals

  
  
  
  
Out here, drifting through space in this escape pod, I have time to think. Now that the rush of battle is over, now that the life-or-death situation isn't upon us anymore, I find myself reflecting on...  
  
KOS-MOS.  
  
I know her, better than anyone. Better than Allen, better than than the head of Vector, better than Kevin. Better than even KOS-MOS herself.  
  
But, it seems, I do not know her well enough. I knew that it was within her programming to kill someone. Knew it, and yet... I didn't change it. Didn't take it out. And she killed Virgil.  
  
It's not really... her fault, I suppose. She was doing it to protect me. And, since I'm the one who gave her life, gave her morals and emotions and her sense of right and wrong... maybe...  
  
Maybe it's really _my_ fault. I should have tried to... teach her better, programmed her better, _something_.  
  
And yet, if I had changed her, even one bit, even to prevent her from killing humans... she wouldn't be KOS-MOS. She wouldn't be my lovely daughter. She wouldn't be-  
  
"Hey Chief, I think I found something! ... Yeah, there's another ship out here, and it's close! I'm going to try and hail them."  
  
A ship? But... what about KOS-MOS?  
  
"...Hello? Is anybody out there?! Hello? Anyone? If anyone is scanning this channel, please help! C'mon Chief, you give it a try."  
  
I sigh and turn my head slightly, looking back at Allen from the corner of my eye.  
  
"Don't worry... A rescue ship will come for us eventually." A slight pause, to gather my thoughts. Should I speak them aloud? Would Allen even understand?  
  
"I'm more concerned about KOS-MOS. Now where could she be..."  
  
I place my chin on top of my folded hands, brow furrowed. That KOS-MOS is missing is worrying me more than anything, and at this point I'm completely broken out of my introspection and immersed in to worry for the android.  
  
Allen's voice carries up to me, and his words grate. "How would I know? Besides, we're not out of the woods yet. I mean, the Gnosis might still be around..."  
  
Apparantly, he doesn't understand, not one bit. You'd think he'd be a little more concerned about the 'project' that he'd worked so long on.  
  
My words are sharper than they should be, but my concern is leaking out in to my voice now. "I'm not worried about that right now. We have to retrieve KOS-MOS..."  
  
"Forget about KOS-MOS, what about us? Ahh... If I knew this was gonna happen, I wouldn't have let everyone else go first... Maybe they're still around... you think?"  
  
Forget abo- What?! I know he doesn't feel about her as strongly as I do, but 'Forget about KOS-MOS...'? Now I'm angry, and words are harsh coming from my mouth.  
  
"I can't believe you... Allen... How can you be so insensitive? After all that's happened..."  
  
"What do you mean? Of course I'm traumatized!"  
  
Cry me a river...  
  
"Chief, that was really uncalled for..."  
  
No it wasn't. In fact, I wish I'd said worse things.  
  
"Do you think I'm an emotionless android?"  
  
You're _nothing_ like KOS-MOS, Allen. Thank God.  
  
"For you to even think that is the most traumatizing thing of all..."  
  
Wha- What? All I did was say he was insensitive!  
  
"Oh, I never said anything like that!" Idiot.  
  
"You just did! You think I'm an android, don't you!"  
  
Again with the android bit... just give it a _rest_ already.  
  
"Shion."  
  
The voice is a little staticy, but it's enough to break me out of my thoughts. I jerk up right in my seat.  
  
"...KOS-MOS?! KOS-MOS, is that you? Where are you right now?!"  
  
"I am onboard a civilian ship passing through the area. Please remain at your current locale. A Federation rescue vessel should arrive soon."  
  
Why would she... She's not supposed to leave me!  
  
"Remain... here? KOS-MOS, just what are you up to?"  
  
"I am commandeering this ship to go to Second Miltia. Those are my orders from Headquarters."  
  
Allen and KOS-MOS continue talking, but it's all background noise.  
  
She's... she's really going to leave me here. Just like that. After _killing_ someone to save my life, she's just going to leave me here!  
  
I jump in the conversation, interupting Allen.  
  
"There's no way I'm going to allow this! You cannot act on your own, KOS-MOS. Bring us onboard immediately!"  
  
"There is no time for this. I am signing off. Shion, Allen, please take care."  
  
She reaches for the button that will break off communication, and I reach for the lever to open the hatch just as fast, suprising myself.  
  
"Now just wait one second, KOS-MOS!"  
  
I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but I know I have to get on that ship. Have to get to KOS-MOS somehow. And a plan is forming...  
  
"You better bring us onboard or I'll open the hatch! You hear me?!"  
  
"Whaaa! What are you doing, Chief?! Please, don't do anything crazy!!"  
  
Allen, again. He just doesn't get that KOS-MOS is more important than either of us. We _can't_ lose her. _I_ can't lose her.  
  
"Be quiet, Allen! Listen to me, KOS-MOS." My voice turns gentle, pleading. "You know what'll happen if I turn this lever, right? Doesn't this go against your directive? After all, you're supposed to bring us back alive... Am I right...?"  
  
There's a long pause from the other side, and I think I've gotten through to her...  
  
"You are delaying me from my mission. I suggest you do as you please."  
  
"KOS-MOS!! You don't believe I'll do it, do you?! I'm serious, you know!"  
  
I turn the lever, and distantly hear Allen screeching and wailing in the background. My focus is only on KOS-MOS, though.  
  
Even this... this stubborn girl, is KOS-MOS. It's just a part of who she is. And if I changed that, if I took away something, well...  
  
She wouldn't be _herself_, and neither death nor morals will make me take that away from her. 


	7. 12: KOSMOS malfunction

1.2: KOS-MOS - malfunction

  
  
  
  
A malfunction.  
  
I am KOS-MOS. I am Vector Industries pride and joy. I am not supposed to have... malfunctions.  
  
Yet when he stepped through that door, I knew I was malfunctioning. I must be.  
  
chaos. Without a capital 'C'. You can even _hear_ the lower case, the way they pronounce it. As if that's not really his name, just something to go by, for the time being.  
  
Sort of like me.  
  
I didn't hear the doors open, or close. I didn't even hear _him_ until he started speaking.  
  
A malfunction. It has to be.  
  
And my scanner... Everyone else comes up normal. Everyone else scans like they're supposed to. Except chaos. He is different, and I do not know why. It bothers me, and it shouldn't.  
  
When I saw him, I _knew_ him, as I _knew_ my creator the first time I laid eyes on Shion. chaos is... important to me, somehow. Yet, I just met him.  
  
"...That reminds me... Hey, KOS-MOS!"  
  
I am broken out of my thoughts by Shion's voice. She has turned towards me, and is now walking over.  
  
"And just what do you think you're doing?! You left us and then tried to go to Second Miltia by yourself!"  
  
Is this how it feels to be scolded by your parent? Shion has never acted like this towards me. Her emotions read 'worry', though, so I pass it off as some illogical human process.  
  
"Maybe your OS is malfunctioning or something?"  
  
A malfunction.  
  
"Yes, that is possible." I keep my eyes on Shion and fight the strange urge to look over at chaos. Very, very possible.  
  
"By the way... what were the orders from HQ?"  
  
Orders?  
  
Oh. Oh... Orders. Yes. Must think of a quick distraction...  
  
"Captain Matthews... May I use the maintenance lab next to the hangar?"  
  
"Just a second, KOS-MOS...?"  
  
Captain Matthews breaks in before Shion can get any farther. Thank you, Captain Matthews. "Yeah, sure. What for?"  
  
"KOS-MOS!"  
  
I nearly wince at the tone of Shion's voice. Not only is it high-pitched, but it bodes of trouble for me. However, this distraction has a 95.7% chance of succeeding.  
  
"Due to the limitations of the test-use condenser, my energy reserves are almost depleted. I wish to recieve a co-generator bypass in order to replenish them."  
  
"Hey! What is wrong with you? Answer me, KOS-MOS!!"  
  
I wonder if Shion even listens sometimes...  
  
"So, you'll cover the bill, right?" Ah, yes. Reliably greedy Captain Matthews.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"KOS-MOS!"  
  
I finally get tired of her yelling my name, and turn my attention back to her. I can see Allen and chaos behind her. Allen looks like he's about to bust out laughing, and chaos is smiling gently at me. ... Wait. At me? I blink, then turn my gaze to Shion, who is far less off-putting than the silver-haired boy.  
  
"Shion."  
  
She looks shocked. Good. "Y-yes?"  
  
I look at chaos again, and he's still smiling, only a little wider now, as if he knows something no one else does.  
  
"My sensors appear to be malfunctioning. Please adjust them before we disembark at our destination."  
  
A malfunction.  
  
I only hope that's all it is. 


	8. 121: chaos first sight

1.2.1: chaos - first sight

  
  
  
  
She is here. I can feel her... on the bridge. In my haste, I teleport directly there, though I remember to do so in front of the doors, as if I just walked through them. Can't have any suspicion, and appearing right in front of KOS-MOS from out of no where would be very suspicious.  
  
I catch the last part of the conversation, and smile a little at the red-head's impetiousness.  
  
"Why not help her? Sounds like she means it."  
  
It's then that I catch sight of her, and what Captain Matthews says next I almost miss.  
  
I have heard others talk about 'love at first sight' before. Tony especially, as he seems to fall in love with every girl he meets.  
  
But, I never thought...  
  
"Hey chaos. You're up."  
  
I manage a convincing smile and reply, "With all this racket... who could sleep?"  
  
I continue talking, walking towards the Captain... and KOS-MOS, always keeping one eye on the blue-haired girl, even when it looks as if I'm facing the other way.  
  
She looks... distracted, as if I'm some great mystery that she needs to figure out. I smile brighter, and place a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"So, is that okay with you?"  
  
When I touch her... Even now, I'm not so sure. I knew... knew I was supposed to feel _something_ when I first saw KOS-MOS. Yet that didn't prepare me for the actuality of it.  
  
Now that I see her, on the bridge, I feel that connection. It's so strong... was it supposed to be like this? Was it supposed to be... as if my heart, my very _soul_ now belonged to her, and no one else?  
  
If only Nephilim were here. She could tell me, I'm sure. Or maybe she wouldn't be able to. Maybe I'm not supposed to know right now.  
  
"Well, it looks like she doesn't have any objections. So it's all up to you, Captain. What do you say? I think we ought to rescue them."  
  
I look at KOS-MOS again, and my smile, ever-present, becomes... more real. Because I'm smiling for _her_.  
  
Is this... 'love'? Or merely what I am supposed to feel, what I am destined to feel, with no concious decision on my part?  
  
Maybe it's both.  
  
Maybe it's neither.  
  
Whatever it is... I think I believe in 'love at first sight' now. 


	9. Interlude 1: Allen strange one

Interlude 1: Allen - strange one

  
  
  
  
He's a strange one.  
  
Though, if you ask me, they're both strange. Of course, no one ever does.  
  
Oh. Wait. You want to know who am I talking about?  
  
chaos and KOS-MOS.  
  
I saw the way he looked at her, when the Chief and I got up to the bridge. It's the same way I look at the Chief when no one else is looking... or even when others _are_ looking.  
  
chaos, the strange, silver-haired boy, is in love with an android.  
  
Not just any android, but KOS-MOS.  
  
Yeah, I notice it.  
  
You can notice a lot of things when you're Allen Ridgley, Invisible Guy.  
  
And KOS-MOS...  
  
Well, let's just say the only other person I've ever seen her look at with that much emotion in her eyes is the Chief.  
  
Even so, he'll have a tough time of it. She _is_ an android, after all, and even though she was programmed with emotions, they still don't come naturally to her.  
  
Though, if you ask me, I say they deserve each other.  
  
Of course, no one ever does. 


End file.
